Posts tagged ‘depression’

The intensity of things I didn’t expect to find.

Having looked into some of the biomechanics and alignment information, I had started to get comfortable with the idea that maybe there wasn’t any real trauma involved in my pelvic floor dysfunction. That maybe I’ve just used my body in unfriendly ways, like we all do in American culture: the wrong shoes, wrong movements, frozen feet used to encapsulation in shoes and a complete lack of surface variation, sitting all day and sitting on my sacrum when I do sit instead of my sitz bones, etc. I felt like I could start to let go of the idea that there had to be trauma connected to all of this.

Two sessions ago, I saw J, the main PT I’ve been seeing. J does primarily intravaginal work on me, relaxing the too-tight muscles. She does some connective tissue work as well, mostly rolling on my abdomen. My last session with her two weeks ago, she did a lot of that; I’d developed quite a few sensitive spots, which ended up sore as she worked on them and after.

The next day, I woke up with abdominal pain and bloating. I wasn’t gassy, and it didn’t really feel like it was necessarily digestion related. I remembered how a week earlier, doing some alignment exercises with a friend, including psoas release, I’d woke up in the middle of the night with similar sensations that I’d assumed were digestive. After this experience, I realized they probably had more to do with the lymphatic tissue.

I saw my specialist the next day. He agreed that I would probably do well with additional myofascial release to get my abdominal area moving, and also suggested lymphatic drainage massage.

The week after, I saw L instead of J at the pelvic PT clinic. L is trained in myofascial release, which is where we focused. I’d seen her once before, when I was having deep pelvic pain after using my dilators and she’d released part of my psoas to resolve it (which worked; still some discomfort while using my dilator, but no real lingering pain afterwards since).

She hit one area on my right side, over my psoas, and I felt instantly teary. I wasn’t able to let go and cry, but the immediacy of the emotion as she hit that spot was striking to me.

I’ve been a mess this week: depressed, overwhelmed. Work and family issues have been at the forefront as well. Today, I’ve cried a bit off and on with my partner. I’ve been thinking about traumas I underwent at age fourteen and in college, how they connect to my family, how all of those things are being triggered now.

And here’s what I think I’m realizing: That this means it’s working. That perhaps L hit something that is releasing now, even if that release wasn’t immediate. Partner wants me to consider antidepressants, but I don’t want to medicate the emotions away. I feel like feeling them and processing through them will lead to more health in the long run, even if it makes it harder now, and I feel like medicating was part of how this happened in the first place.

I’m no longer convinced of the lack of trauma involved in my pelvic pain development, though.