At PT last week, L worked primarily on my right side. She had her hands on a spot my hip, and then I started to get teary.
I was prepared to be emotional for several days after. I was slightly tender the next couple mornings. The first day after, I was rather raw that night, feeling like I wanted to cry but not getting there.
The second day after, I felt a bit unreal. I realized later that evening that I’d been very mildly dissociated all day.
I think I still am.
I feel a bit emotionally removed from everything, and a bit so from the people I love. I feel self-contained, presumably in a protective way. I’m irritable but otherwise not particularly emotional. I don’t like it. I don’t want to shield it all away, and I want to let go and release whatever started to come up.
I’m going to PT in another couple days. I hope this will jog it loose.
PT today involved mostly myofascial work on my quadratus lumborum fascia to see if that wasn’t involved in both the pelvic floor and solar plexus issues. My QLs are super tight, especially on my left side, though they did some releasing as L worked on them. L was happy to hear of my progress with sex becoming more comfortable.
New homework: Get and use foam rollers to stretch my QLs and spine.
During sex last night, I was initially tight, and then my pelvic floor released out a couple minutes in. It’s never released during sex before. I’m pretty excited about this.
And I had a particular sexual experience last night that I hadn’t had since my traumatic weekend almost exactly four years ago. And it was good, and I am super happy about it.
I have really good people and continued healing. It is good.
I have real improvement.
There’s been improvement along the way: no longer having intensely sharp cramping, seizing pelvic floor muscles when I have to poop; the easing of residual muscle tension post-dilator; the easing of post-sex soreness. Today I discovered that the psoas-related deep pelvic pain has lessened immensely.
At the risk of being too graphic, I haven’t been able to take a full-on, no-holding-back pounding for years, a lot of them, without at least some muscular discomfort. And today I did. There are several things that I did today that would have caused me discomfort before and didn’t today.
It’s not totally better, of course. I still have some of the deep pelvic pain. But this is the first real improved comfort during sex that I’ve seen. I love it. I love it so much.
And labial pulling is totally helping the fascia over my urethra, which didn’t get irritated with either partner today.
I’m so relieved. So, so relieved. I cannot wait to keep getting even better, and having better, more worry-free sex, and feeling healthier, and sharing more things with my fantastic partners without the preoccupation with how my muscles will respond.
ETA: And the dilator, it slipped all the way in, without a single bit of discomfort or resistance or pain, for the first time ever. Ever. So much relief and gratitude.
I woke up at 3am with a lot of abdominal discomfort. This definitely seems to be a common post-myofascial experience for me.
Once I was awake enough to realize that maybe there was something I could do aside from lie in bed and hurt, I did some self massage, tried to release the thoracic inlet like my DO friend showed me some weeks ago when I was hurting (to help free up the lymphatic flow), and used my Therawand. I got myself more comfortable and eventually got back to at least dozing. I woke up again before my alarm and used the essential oil blend I’d made for this purpose, did some more self-massage, and hit my thoracic inlet again.
I’m way better today; a bit uncomfortable, but not super crampy feeling like I tend to be when that happens. I think I’ve found a good way to deal with it, which makes me happy.
I do wonder whether lymphatic drainage might not be a good idea. I haven’t done it yet because I’m already draining my savings with the PT, and also because I’m assuming that the myofascial release work will also allow my lymph to flow more freely if the fascia is less restricted. L agreed with that assessment, and I seem to be handling it better on my own as well, so I think I’ll hold off on employing another expensive modality right now.
I have new homework! Yay?
I’ve had a bundle of sensitive tissue at 12 o’clock, right under my urethra, at the vaginal opening. This is one of the newer developments over the years. It’s pressure sensitive instead of being raw like the other pain where I use the capsaicin.
L said there’s fascia there. I’ve been assigned the homework of labial stretching, which is exactly what it sounds like: I take hold of my labia on either side and pull gently to stretch them, and the fascia underneath. Five minute hold on a couple spots, on both the inner and outer labia, for another twenty minutes of homework.
On the plus side, after she did this and then went to work on it internally, I couldn’t feel it. So it may have released so well when she did that that it became non problematic. I’m hoping so. I’d asked her because J had released it with gentle direct pressure before, and I’m only occasionally successful in doing so myself. So perhaps this is a missing piece to that.
We did more abdominal myofascial work today, and didn’t hit any directly emotional spots. Last time, I felt fine when I left and then cried off and on for the next several days, so we’ll see what happens this time.
I asked L how to handle not being able to fit all the things in every day, and she said just to rotate them each day if I can’t do them all. I’d mostly been doing that, with a concentration on the dilator, so I’m glad I know how to proceed with that.
She didn’t feel my muscular tightness much at the opening when she went in, which was super encouraging.
So. Good progress, and labial pulling.
I’ve got PT tomorrow.
Last time it seemed to open up some things. Right now I feel calm, like a lot of that has settled down. So I’ve got some apprehension about my next appointment, because who know what it will actually bring up?
L said she’s had people cry and scream and all sorts of things before, which doesn’t surprise me. I wonder what we’ll hit tomorrow.
In the meantime, at least I’ve been more consistent so far this week with my dilator and Therawand, and I’ll do some more myofascial self work tonight.
1. Dilator for 30 minutes daily, two 30-minute sessions if I can find the time
2. Inner thigh stretches
3. Outer thing stretches
5. Myofascial self-release (5 minutes per spot)
6. Therawand on trigger points (5 minutes per spot)
7. Squatting regularly throughout the day to release the pelvic floor
This is actually a lot to try to fit into a day, and I am not generally successful in it. It feels really overwhelming. My work schedule is such that I’m away from home for over ten hours a day, and sometimes I want to have dinner with a friend, or a date, after work. Those are things that also keep me healthy in other ways than the specific ones I am addressing with PT and my pelvic floor, and I’m definitely not going to do my healing well without the support of the people I love, so those need to be priorities too. How do I fit this all in?
I’m on my myofascial ball right now, so at least that’s something. More time on the floor.
Things I haven’t been assigned but want to do for myself:
1. Daily yoga in the morning for 10-15 minutes
2. Daily mediatation (and this is, in one part, to change my relationship with my body and to increase my capacity for emotional self-regulation).
3. Cooking more at home.
4. Barefoot time outside in the woods to help with my alignment and body use.
5. The two alignment classes I have taken on as part of the “getting myself healthy” project.
6. Blogging, because clearly I have lots of things that I need to get out.
It’s no wonder I feel overwhelmed. I’d have to keep a pretty tight schedule to do all of these things. How do I work all of this?