I’ve had some shitty past partners. Currently, I have two partners/boyfriends. Things that make my happy:
BF1 (the one I live with): Has told me in no uncertain terms that I am NEVER to apologize to him for needing to adjust during sex due to my muscular dysfunction. Told me the other day that sex is the last thing he was looking for with me (not that he doesn’t want or enjoy it, it’s just below all the other parts that are me), and that if I want to stop my capsaicin or am otherwise less sexually functional, he is fully supportive. Has held me while I cried from overwhelm. Paid for my first PT visit when I was worried about cost.
BF2: Came into my life not all that long before I began this journey. Works on releasing my muscles. Has been very clear, repeatedly, about his willingness to dial our sexual activity back to oral sex only if I need to generally, or on a particular night, or whatever, or no sexual activity at all at whatever point I need that. Is clear about his emotional availability when I need his support. Makes requested adjustments happily (I’ve learned from BF1 and haven’t ever tried to apologize to him for needing those adjustments).
They’re both clear in their desire for me. I don’t feel like they feel my issues are something they need to tolerate; they want me, and they find me sexy, and I feel sexy with them, not like I’d be a great partner if only everything were healthy, not like the first new partner I had after my diagnosis who told me, “You’re too sexy to be broken.” They don’t think of me as broken. I’m their sexy girlfriend who’s working on a thing, and they are happy to help and support me in that where they can.
Between them and some super amazing and supportive friends, I feel lucky and loved. I am finally choosing the right partners and people for my life. Team Me is awesome and supportive, and while they can’t fix this and I have to do the work on my own, I’m not on my own while I do it.